On losses and new beginnings...

I haven't had a whole lot to say, as many of you can imagine it has been quite the whirlwind of days... but I did take some time to sit and compile some thoughts I wanted to share with each of you... I just wanted you to know how much your kindness has touched me... and helped me through these dark days...

To those who are sending me thoughts and prayers.... Where to begin.

There is a hole in my heart, and so many losses in my life right now. There is the move, the temporary changing of careers, the loss of a marriage, the loss of what could have been, there is of course the largest and most incomprehensible loss of all, the loss of my brother. The loss of our chance to see him grow into his new life of fatherhood, the loss of his light, and his place in our lives.

But in every loss there are those things that sustain us, that remind us of why this life is so valuable. It is in moments like the phone call that I received two Tuesday's ago that life is stripped down to the very core. At that moment that I had to fight simply to breathe. My whole world came crashing down and there was that moment that seemed suspended in time that I didn't even remember how to breathe. Grief literally brought me to my knees and nothing mattered but going to be with the people who love me, and who I love. It was the love of others, and those first few hours of phone calls, of text messages and e-mails of love and concern that sustained me. It was the phone ringing off the hook, and the doorbell ringing that reminded me that I, and my family, are so very loved.

If I had only one word to say it would be to borrow my dad's word and to say... Overwhelming. To see the line of people with heavy hearts, sad eyes, and open arms was indescribable. To know that there was such support, such love, such compassion... and that other people have struggled in that place of such pain and we weren't alone. It was overwhelming to know that when we grieve others come to join us in that place.

Overwhelming grief, loss and pain, coupled with overwhelming beauty, vulnerability, kindness and compassion.

People keep asking what they can do, and at first my answer only to myself was "if you can't bring him back, then there is nothing, nothing you can do". But I realize that there is much you can do. You can continue to love me, and each other, fully and completely. You can continue to nurture and sustain the bonds of friendship between each other. You can continue to ask the question "What can I do?" because there are so many answers... at first it was to simply be there, to be with the heavy silence, the unanswered questions, the shock, the denial and the mind-numbing grief. And then it turned to the self-care things... making sure that we had food, that we were sleeping as well as we could, and the simple things like making sure the cars had gas, the beds had sheets and the guests had towels. And now it turns to continuing those things, but there are a few other things that I would like to add... Continue to understand that this is a process and there will be good days and bad. Continue to call, send e-mails, and other ways of letting me know that you care, and understand that there are some days when I will have no words, but know that your caring deeply touches me. Continue to talk about Mitch, to share the laughter and the tears. Continue to keep him alive in your hearts and share with us your memories.

Also, make your choice. Trauma asks us to decide: Will I let what has happened crush me, distance me from people, from life... or will I let what has happened soften me, allow me to empathize more quickly, to choose love more easily?... Trauma doesn't ask us if we want this to happen, but it does leave us with a choice of where we go from here. I am choosing to allow myself the time to feel angry, sad, grief stricken, disappointed, all of those other emotions that we like to avoid, but I am also choosing not to dwell there, to honor the gifts that they bring, but I will choose to live my life out of love and to allow this to soften me, to connect me to the heart of others, to change me.

None of us, of life, will be the same.

As for me, I am allowing the healing to happen slowly. I have been slow to believe that this truly happened because I don't know what it all means, what does it mean to not have a brother anymore? What does it mean to not have someone who shared so much of your life? And it will continue to show itself what it does mean... and that is where the pain comes, but that is also where the healing comes.

It seems odd that with the denial there is also a desire to live life more simply, more honestly, more fully. The naked heart wracked with grief is not pretty, but there is so much beauty in the love that is shared, the eyes that glisten with tears of pain, and tears of love, there is so much beauty in the community that is created.

There are no answers for so many of the questions, and there are days when there are no questions, no answers, just deep sadness. But as always I tend to look for the lessons, and there are so many.

And so many that sound cliché, but yet, they are so true.

That you don't know how much time you have, so use it!

Don't save your love for a distant day.

Love as fiercely, and deeply as possible.

It is the love that remains, all else fades away.

That time does heal.

It doesn't make it better, or go away, but you do learn to adapt.

The grief comes, goes and then comes again.

Out of nowhere it returns; but so does love, and laughter.

Continue to gather, to hold your family and friends close, tell each other that you love them.

We always wait until the "big" stuff to get together, to enjoy each other. This reminds me that it is the other times that we remember, the simple stuff, the impromptu trip to Dairy Queen, the campfire chats, the sleepover at grandma and grandpa's, those are the times we remember, the things that sustain us.

One thing that has come back to me over and over is that you do get what you give. I have tried for years to give love and friendship and be the friend that I would want... and I have been blessed 100 times over with what I have given. I could not ask for better or more amazing people in my life.

One of the things that I have been focusing on this year is gratitude, and I cannot even begin to tell you how grateful I am for each and every one of you for all the gifts you bring to my life.

My life is so full and rich with the mosaic of people that fill my life, and each of you have such special places in my heart. Thank you seems like such an understatement for the swelling of love and appreciation that is in my heart, but I will use it anyway... Thank You.

Thank you for caring, for coming to be with us in person and in spirit, for the thoughts of love and prayers of healing.

Thank you for being willing to come to the place where there are so few words and so much pain. Thank you for the flowers to remind us of beauty and of life, and for the food that represents your love.

Thank you for reminding us of our connection to one another, and for the reminder that we are never truly alone.

One of the ironies of death is that it truly reminds us to live. And I for one, as a way to honor Mitch will continue to live my life fully, deeply and with great love.

Every time that I see people I love gathered to share time, to share stories, laughter and tears it warms my heart and reminds me that this is why we are here... to make the way a little softer for one another.

Continue to hold me, my family and one another in your thoughts and prayers, and know that I feel each prayer, each loving thought.