My Christmas Letter...

Normally Christmas letters are to recap the past year, to recall the sunny vacations that were full of sunburns, sand and laughter, and of children's accomplishments and happy times. And this year it was different. Not that there weren't moments of shear grace and joy, but there was the overwhelming events that colored the rest of the year. And so this Christmas letter was a bit different. And some years are like that, different, new lessons, new beginnings, struggles adn stagnancy, followed by the light once more.

And so here I sit yet again, as always with the best of intentions and a little behind the ball, writing my Christmas letter on the 29th of December. But if you listen to many there are those who say that Jesus wasn't born in the end of December, instead he was born more around spring or early summer, when shepherds would have been "watching their flock by night" so maybe instead of being late I am actually early for next year! As you all know it has been an intense year, one of many twists and turns. It is amazing how quickly your life can turn and in one moment be divided into two time periods, the before years and the after years. And this is where I find myself, determining how to begin the after years.

This has been a time of tremendous change and thankfully it didn't all hit me at once, it has been a gradual process, one where I have been incredibly grateful for the gift of denial. As long as you are aware of the pitfalls, and don't dwell too long there, denial can be an powerful gift to help you deal with things more fully when you are able to grasp them. There have been many miracles, moments of grace, moments when the only way I got through them were by my angels- both here and above- that were sent to guide me, to hold me and to heal me. I am tired now, these past few months of nothing but pure intensity, of reminders of loss, change and reminders of how little we are truly in control of, my reserves were tapped and my soul wrung dry. I am in the midst of limbo, of learning how to live again, in the midst of healing a broken heart. I am again faced with the question of being stripped down to the core, who am I and what do I have to bring to the world, what I am here to offer.

These past few months I have been humbled, learning how to ask for help, accepting help and realizing that I can't do it all- incredible and difficult lessons to learn. I have been more vulnerable than I have ever imagined possible, and yet I stand. I am used to having more answers than questions, but yet it seems that these past few months have been filled with far more questions than answers.

I know that the only way that I have been able to struggle through the past few months is through the help of my family and friends. I have been reminded of how important we are to one another, how sometimes just knowing that you are being through of and prayed for is enough. And like the seasons I know spring will come again, the sun will shine down and warm me once more. I know that what has been frozen will thaw, and what has been dormant will sprout. I will rely on the patience of Mother Nature when I run short on my own, I will hold fast to the prayers and thoughts that you have sent my way to help guide me through the dark nights ahead.

And yet there has been the golden thread that has held my heart together when I thought for sure that it was too broken to ever be mended. There is the thread of gratefulness that I am surrounded by so many that give so much to me, I am so grateful for the love that surrounds me each and every day. I am so grateful for the friends who have listened and held me close literally and figuratively. I am so grateful for our little angel Annabelle and being able to be a part of her life. I am so grateful for the understanding of so many of you who gave me the time and space to grieve, to cry, to restart a life here in MN, to mourn the loss of my life in SC.

And so this year I begin with grief having carved its initials in my heart, and yet a deeper peace that passes all understanding holding me close. I will finish the work that grief and loss require of me, and move forward having lived life more deeply and fully and continuing to choose love, continue to live life fully. The light will shine again and soon I will have more of me to share once more.

Thank you to those who have held hope for me when I have needed it. I will close with something I wrote for a friend, but today the words apply to me, and perhaps some day they will apply to you as well and you can use them when you need them:

As for your healing I have no doubt that it is happening, if you will step outside of yourself long enough to take a good deep look you will see how much you have changed, how far you have come. Allow me to help you when I can. I will hold for you the vision of yourself when you are lacking in clarity, I will hold for you the trust you have in love, in life, so when you are ready to trust again I can give you that back to use when and where you choose. So share with me your fears, your thoughts, your excitement, your moments of finding your courage, I will keep them for you so you can go through them later on, and with distance you will be able to laugh, to cry, but most of all you will celebrate the You you have become and you will remember how you got there.

Because life will try you again, in different ways, but you will be able to take the lessons you have learned and apply them again.

Trust in yourself, trust in the relationships you have built. Know that healing is all about balance, about knowing when to listen to the stories of others and when to talk about and live your own, it is about the balance of sorting through the past, and choosing your future.

Also know that the inherent difficult of healing is that we don't always do things in balance, and that is okay too… but if we pay attention we know when we need to do what, when we need to move forward, when we need to rest, and when we are feeling stronger when we leap forward and amaze ourselves with our ability to move with such speed once more.

One breath at a time, then one hour at a time, then one day at a time.
One healing moment at a time.
I believe in you.

And so my dear friends, this Christmas I look to the velvety night sky adorned with stars and see the light that shines through the darkness without fail and I give to you light to guide you when your soul is dark, hope to hold you when your sky is bleak, and trust that we are all held in the heart of something beyond our comprehension.