My Christmas Letter...

Normally Christmas letters are to recap the past year, to recall the sunny vacations that were full of sunburns, sand and laughter, and of children's accomplishments and happy times. And this year it was different. Not that there weren't moments of shear grace and joy, but there was the overwhelming events that colored the rest of the year. And so this Christmas letter was a bit different. And some years are like that, different, new lessons, new beginnings, struggles adn stagnancy, followed by the light once more.

And so here I sit yet again, as always with the best of intentions and a little behind the ball, writing my Christmas letter on the 29th of December. But if you listen to many there are those who say that Jesus wasn't born in the end of December, instead he was born more around spring or early summer, when shepherds would have been "watching their flock by night" so maybe instead of being late I am actually early for next year! As you all know it has been an intense year, one of many twists and turns. It is amazing how quickly your life can turn and in one moment be divided into two time periods, the before years and the after years. And this is where I find myself, determining how to begin the after years.

This has been a time of tremendous change and thankfully it didn't all hit me at once, it has been a gradual process, one where I have been incredibly grateful for the gift of denial. As long as you are aware of the pitfalls, and don't dwell too long there, denial can be an powerful gift to help you deal with things more fully when you are able to grasp them. There have been many miracles, moments of grace, moments when the only way I got through them were by my angels- both here and above- that were sent to guide me, to hold me and to heal me. I am tired now, these past few months of nothing but pure intensity, of reminders of loss, change and reminders of how little we are truly in control of, my reserves were tapped and my soul wrung dry. I am in the midst of limbo, of learning how to live again, in the midst of healing a broken heart. I am again faced with the question of being stripped down to the core, who am I and what do I have to bring to the world, what I am here to offer.

These past few months I have been humbled, learning how to ask for help, accepting help and realizing that I can't do it all- incredible and difficult lessons to learn. I have been more vulnerable than I have ever imagined possible, and yet I stand. I am used to having more answers than questions, but yet it seems that these past few months have been filled with far more questions than answers.

I know that the only way that I have been able to struggle through the past few months is through the help of my family and friends. I have been reminded of how important we are to one another, how sometimes just knowing that you are being through of and prayed for is enough. And like the seasons I know spring will come again, the sun will shine down and warm me once more. I know that what has been frozen will thaw, and what has been dormant will sprout. I will rely on the patience of Mother Nature when I run short on my own, I will hold fast to the prayers and thoughts that you have sent my way to help guide me through the dark nights ahead.

And yet there has been the golden thread that has held my heart together when I thought for sure that it was too broken to ever be mended. There is the thread of gratefulness that I am surrounded by so many that give so much to me, I am so grateful for the love that surrounds me each and every day. I am so grateful for the friends who have listened and held me close literally and figuratively. I am so grateful for our little angel Annabelle and being able to be a part of her life. I am so grateful for the understanding of so many of you who gave me the time and space to grieve, to cry, to restart a life here in MN, to mourn the loss of my life in SC.

And so this year I begin with grief having carved its initials in my heart, and yet a deeper peace that passes all understanding holding me close. I will finish the work that grief and loss require of me, and move forward having lived life more deeply and fully and continuing to choose love, continue to live life fully. The light will shine again and soon I will have more of me to share once more.

Thank you to those who have held hope for me when I have needed it. I will close with something I wrote for a friend, but today the words apply to me, and perhaps some day they will apply to you as well and you can use them when you need them:

As for your healing I have no doubt that it is happening, if you will step outside of yourself long enough to take a good deep look you will see how much you have changed, how far you have come. Allow me to help you when I can. I will hold for you the vision of yourself when you are lacking in clarity, I will hold for you the trust you have in love, in life, so when you are ready to trust again I can give you that back to use when and where you choose. So share with me your fears, your thoughts, your excitement, your moments of finding your courage, I will keep them for you so you can go through them later on, and with distance you will be able to laugh, to cry, but most of all you will celebrate the You you have become and you will remember how you got there.

Because life will try you again, in different ways, but you will be able to take the lessons you have learned and apply them again.

Trust in yourself, trust in the relationships you have built. Know that healing is all about balance, about knowing when to listen to the stories of others and when to talk about and live your own, it is about the balance of sorting through the past, and choosing your future.

Also know that the inherent difficult of healing is that we don't always do things in balance, and that is okay too… but if we pay attention we know when we need to do what, when we need to move forward, when we need to rest, and when we are feeling stronger when we leap forward and amaze ourselves with our ability to move with such speed once more.

One breath at a time, then one hour at a time, then one day at a time.
One healing moment at a time.
I believe in you.

And so my dear friends, this Christmas I look to the velvety night sky adorned with stars and see the light that shines through the darkness without fail and I give to you light to guide you when your soul is dark, hope to hold you when your sky is bleak, and trust that we are all held in the heart of something beyond our comprehension.

On losses and new beginnings...

I haven't had a whole lot to say, as many of you can imagine it has been quite the whirlwind of days... but I did take some time to sit and compile some thoughts I wanted to share with each of you... I just wanted you to know how much your kindness has touched me... and helped me through these dark days...

To those who are sending me thoughts and prayers.... Where to begin.

There is a hole in my heart, and so many losses in my life right now. There is the move, the temporary changing of careers, the loss of a marriage, the loss of what could have been, there is of course the largest and most incomprehensible loss of all, the loss of my brother. The loss of our chance to see him grow into his new life of fatherhood, the loss of his light, and his place in our lives.

But in every loss there are those things that sustain us, that remind us of why this life is so valuable. It is in moments like the phone call that I received two Tuesday's ago that life is stripped down to the very core. At that moment that I had to fight simply to breathe. My whole world came crashing down and there was that moment that seemed suspended in time that I didn't even remember how to breathe. Grief literally brought me to my knees and nothing mattered but going to be with the people who love me, and who I love. It was the love of others, and those first few hours of phone calls, of text messages and e-mails of love and concern that sustained me. It was the phone ringing off the hook, and the doorbell ringing that reminded me that I, and my family, are so very loved.

If I had only one word to say it would be to borrow my dad's word and to say... Overwhelming. To see the line of people with heavy hearts, sad eyes, and open arms was indescribable. To know that there was such support, such love, such compassion... and that other people have struggled in that place of such pain and we weren't alone. It was overwhelming to know that when we grieve others come to join us in that place.

Overwhelming grief, loss and pain, coupled with overwhelming beauty, vulnerability, kindness and compassion.

People keep asking what they can do, and at first my answer only to myself was "if you can't bring him back, then there is nothing, nothing you can do". But I realize that there is much you can do. You can continue to love me, and each other, fully and completely. You can continue to nurture and sustain the bonds of friendship between each other. You can continue to ask the question "What can I do?" because there are so many answers... at first it was to simply be there, to be with the heavy silence, the unanswered questions, the shock, the denial and the mind-numbing grief. And then it turned to the self-care things... making sure that we had food, that we were sleeping as well as we could, and the simple things like making sure the cars had gas, the beds had sheets and the guests had towels. And now it turns to continuing those things, but there are a few other things that I would like to add... Continue to understand that this is a process and there will be good days and bad. Continue to call, send e-mails, and other ways of letting me know that you care, and understand that there are some days when I will have no words, but know that your caring deeply touches me. Continue to talk about Mitch, to share the laughter and the tears. Continue to keep him alive in your hearts and share with us your memories.

Also, make your choice. Trauma asks us to decide: Will I let what has happened crush me, distance me from people, from life... or will I let what has happened soften me, allow me to empathize more quickly, to choose love more easily?... Trauma doesn't ask us if we want this to happen, but it does leave us with a choice of where we go from here. I am choosing to allow myself the time to feel angry, sad, grief stricken, disappointed, all of those other emotions that we like to avoid, but I am also choosing not to dwell there, to honor the gifts that they bring, but I will choose to live my life out of love and to allow this to soften me, to connect me to the heart of others, to change me.

None of us, of life, will be the same.

As for me, I am allowing the healing to happen slowly. I have been slow to believe that this truly happened because I don't know what it all means, what does it mean to not have a brother anymore? What does it mean to not have someone who shared so much of your life? And it will continue to show itself what it does mean... and that is where the pain comes, but that is also where the healing comes.

It seems odd that with the denial there is also a desire to live life more simply, more honestly, more fully. The naked heart wracked with grief is not pretty, but there is so much beauty in the love that is shared, the eyes that glisten with tears of pain, and tears of love, there is so much beauty in the community that is created.

There are no answers for so many of the questions, and there are days when there are no questions, no answers, just deep sadness. But as always I tend to look for the lessons, and there are so many.

And so many that sound cliché, but yet, they are so true.

That you don't know how much time you have, so use it!

Don't save your love for a distant day.

Love as fiercely, and deeply as possible.

It is the love that remains, all else fades away.

That time does heal.

It doesn't make it better, or go away, but you do learn to adapt.

The grief comes, goes and then comes again.

Out of nowhere it returns; but so does love, and laughter.

Continue to gather, to hold your family and friends close, tell each other that you love them.

We always wait until the "big" stuff to get together, to enjoy each other. This reminds me that it is the other times that we remember, the simple stuff, the impromptu trip to Dairy Queen, the campfire chats, the sleepover at grandma and grandpa's, those are the times we remember, the things that sustain us.

One thing that has come back to me over and over is that you do get what you give. I have tried for years to give love and friendship and be the friend that I would want... and I have been blessed 100 times over with what I have given. I could not ask for better or more amazing people in my life.

One of the things that I have been focusing on this year is gratitude, and I cannot even begin to tell you how grateful I am for each and every one of you for all the gifts you bring to my life.

My life is so full and rich with the mosaic of people that fill my life, and each of you have such special places in my heart. Thank you seems like such an understatement for the swelling of love and appreciation that is in my heart, but I will use it anyway... Thank You.

Thank you for caring, for coming to be with us in person and in spirit, for the thoughts of love and prayers of healing.

Thank you for being willing to come to the place where there are so few words and so much pain. Thank you for the flowers to remind us of beauty and of life, and for the food that represents your love.

Thank you for reminding us of our connection to one another, and for the reminder that we are never truly alone.

One of the ironies of death is that it truly reminds us to live. And I for one, as a way to honor Mitch will continue to live my life fully, deeply and with great love.

Every time that I see people I love gathered to share time, to share stories, laughter and tears it warms my heart and reminds me that this is why we are here... to make the way a little softer for one another.

Continue to hold me, my family and one another in your thoughts and prayers, and know that I feel each prayer, each loving thought.

Updates...

I have found that perfectionism often keeps me from connecting and from doing what I need to do. I want to do it completely, fully and give everyone the complete update. It comes from the best of intentions, but it often keeps me from doing things because they aren't perfect or just so. So now I will put a few of the more poignant moments from the past year as a jumping off point and I hope that I will be updating more frequently.